Worryworting
It's a real thing.
I never hear this term anymore, but my mom, sister, and I always used to call her mother a “Worrywort” because Granny was incessantly worrying over big things, little things, and nothings. Sadly, it was quite debilitating for her. Now, we know she suffers from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and I feel terrible for calling her that as a child.
And yet this morning, I find myself turning the same term over in my mind and applying it to my own tendencies. I have been excessively worrying these past weeks:
Worrying about my grandpa, who is 85 and facing very serious health issues, including excruciating pain and a possible cancer diagnosis.
Worrying about an old dance friend who is struggling with deep depression but won’t get help.
Worrying about my 87-year-old buddy who is facing loss of family, loss of home, and loss of his beloved dog. His daughter literally kicked him out of her house, and he is now living in a less-than-ideal situation.
Worried about my damn dog because she decided to eat a whole Ziploc bag of chocolate candy.
Worrying about my niece who has similar struggles to me and she’s only 13.
Worrying about my body and whether I’ll be able to handle the pain when it gets worse.
Worrying that my life is over because I physically can do less and less.
Worried about whether I’m going to have a bad fall today.
Worrying that my disability hearing won’t work even though I’m the exact kind of person the system was built for.
Worrying that my civil and criminal cases in Africa will never come through.
Worrying that my insurance will finally say “Fuck no” to yet another prior authorization or that they’ll decide not to cover something after all and I’ll be footed with thousands of dollars of bills.
Worried my upcoming gallbladder surgery won’t fix the things it’s supposed to and possibly make other things worse.
It’s exhausting.
The Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies (”ABCT”) describes worry as “an anxious way of thinking about oneself and the world. It usually involves thoughts about what bad things might happen in the future and/or whether the person will be able to cope with them. Although worry can sometimes be about events that occurred in the past, the worry is typically about how that event could affect the future.”
And this is so true. I think a lot of my worry is centered on whether I will be able to survive/cope with whatever bad thing may happen. In the case of others I care about, it is also just a deep-seated ache for the pain that they are going through. And while it’s all good to be empathetic to the needs of others, it often overwhelms me.
One of my ex-boyfriend’s dads always used to drive me crazy when he would sing that stupid song, “Don’t worry, be happy” (no offense, Bobby McFerrin). Afterwards, he would tell me I just needed to “smile more.” It always made me grind my teeth because it seemed like such a shallow answer. That the real issues were never being dealt with and that my concerns were being flippantly disregarded. My grandpa instead says that we should never worry about things because they will eat you alive. True that. Instead, we should just be concerned about things and leave them to God to handle. That’s…more palatable but still not exactly helpful for me since I don’t believe God “…will work all things out for good to those who love him…” (Romans 8:28). I have had this verse quoted to me many, many times by well-intentioned Christians…but ones I don’t think have any idea what it is to have lived my life. They mean well, and I hope that they are comforted by that verse more than me.
So, I need other ways to manage my worries. That’s what this post is about. Despite all the therapy I’ve been through, I’ve felt frozen lately, and I can’t remember a single thing that I’m supposed to do. After looking through all my notes this morning, here is a collection of strategies that might help with my worry and yours too (because you know you do it too!).
Deep Breathing: My all-time favorite. I was recently in a grief and growth group, and a death doula led us through this exercise, which she called 4,7,8. Take a deep breath for 4 seconds, hold your breath for 7, and then slowly release your breath for the count of 8 seconds. It is a good reset and also calms you down.
Journal: Write down your worries and then, once they are written in stone, choose to NOT think about them the rest of the day. You might have to do this multiple times a day! It’s like me having to write a list of things to do each day. If I don’t, I just needlessly worry that I’ll forget something. Or maybe even more effective is writing down your worries on pieces of paper and then burning them to ashes?
Get a massage: This might seem silly, but when I’ve seen massage therapists who use bodywork massage (look up “what is bodywork massage” on Google and you’ll see the comparison between it and regular massage), they specifically use myofascial technique. Their work tends to release a lot of pent-up tension and anxiety and even trauma-related scars.
Ban news and social media: If your worries are around the world falling apart around us, this is your best bet for distancing yourself from the everyday chaos. One of my good friends said that she absolutely had to do this to save her sanity (and obviously calm down her anxiety).
Play with your pets!
Be creative!
Do housework or yardwork! These three all distract me enough that I can’t think about worrying.
Set aside a time to worry: One of my therapists had told me something similar, but in regards to grief. ABCT suggests that you
a) Set aside a specific time to worry at the same time and place every day (it can be anywhere for 5-30 minutes);
b) Notice when you’re about to worry and catch it - delay worrying about it until your worry period;
c) When you do get to your worry period, you can worry as much as you like! Just make sure you cap it off and refuse to allow yourself to worry throughout the rest of the day;
d) If you want to make your worry period more productive, think about which worries you have no control over (example: my grandpa passing) and the worries that you have some control over (example: taking care of myself physically so I can reduce as much pain as possible).
Do one small thing that will help you feel better in the moment. Remind yourself that you matter and that it’s ok to be concerned for things happening to you, your loved ones, and the world around you.
Buy a weighted blanket and snuggle underneath it. Both my niece and I find comfort under weighted blankets.
Go for a walk and get some exercise and fresh air: I always feel a little bit more in control and like I can think clearer when I do this.
Use a grounding technique like 5,4,3,2,1 or Visualizing Your Safe/Happy Place or TIPP Skills or Leaves on a Stream or The Calm Exercise or the Tried and True Grounding Technique my therapist gave me, all of which I have posted about and linked here.
Remember that there are just some things we have no control over: Instead, we can be implementing that “radical acceptance” I talked about here. This is by far the hardest thing for me personally to do, but I will be so much happier when I can accept the things that I cannot change and change the things I can.
Hopefully one or more of these will resonate with you and help you with whatever you’re worrying about today. It’s been a great reminder for me too. I’m going to revisit my own suggestions about radical acceptance and try that setting-aside-time-to-worry bit.
What are you worrying about today? Sometimes it helps to share with other people, knowing you aren’t alone. I’d be honored to hear your thoughts too.
Keep on keeping on, friends.
I found the 5-4-3-2-1 idea intriguing. It makes sense that going through it would have such an impact on a panic attack. Thanks for all you shared!
Excellent! And the resources are outstanding for anyone who worries small or worried big.